A spanking can be deliciously erotic.

When it’s done well.

And that means sensually…

And of course with consent.


So, how do you give a good spanking?

You can add the odd spank to your regular sex play, or you can set up a whole spanking scene. Like this:

The lead-up is important, the spankee has to be in the right space to want the spanking. Their bum needs to be swinging or jiggling in anticipation.

Ask the spankee to assume a position where their bottom is sticking out: that could be leaning against a wall, over the arm of a chair, on all fours on the bed, even over your lap if that is mutually arousing.

Depending on your shared eroticism, the spanking could be part of a role play or it could be a delicious part of your mutual pleasure.

Warm the spankee’s bottom up first with rubs and very light spanks. This gets the blood to the surface and reduces the painful element.

You can rub over the rest of their body too for a whole body experience, or just focus on the bottom.

When you feel the spankee is ready, start with one medium level spank. Watch their reaction. Go back to the rubbing and fondling. Pause. Give another medium level spank. Watch their reaction. Go back to the rubbing and fondling.

Focus on the fleshy part of their bottom, avoiding the boney parts, so you’ll have a slightly upward direction, with slightly cupped hand.

Over time you’ll get to know how your spankee likes the spanking, but if you’re new, you need to pay particular attention to their response as the timing and strength of the spanks are key.

You can ask the spankee to rate each spank out of 10, partly so you have an idea of how they are taking it, and also because it can add to the eroticism of the encounter.

You can do a bunch of spanks in a row, or intersperse them with rubs and fondles. It’s really up to you as the spanker to create a delectable experience for your spankee.


And how do you receive a good spanking?

A good spanking can really take you to the pleasure zone.

But just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to experience a good spanking. The spanker will be focusing on your reactions and  creating the experience based on those reactions. So, let the spanker know what you’re feeling. There’s a two-way feedback system going on.

As with all pleasurable experiences, the more relaxed you are, the better it feels. The trick is to stay relaxed while in a state of heightened arousal. You have the anticipation, the spank and the sensation of heat and pleasure that follows. Focus on each element and relax into both the anticipation and the after flow. Even at the point of the spank you don’t want to tense your muscles or it won’t feel as good.

You only want to be spanked by someone you trust, so you really can relax into it. If the spanker does go too fast or too hard, ask them to slow it down or go more gently. You’re the one in control here. Have a safe word if you like, or use the ‘traffic light’ system where yellow means slow down and red means stop.

When you’ve had enough, let the spanker know, then have a good cuddle!

That could be the end of your ‘scene’ or it could be part of an ongoing series of sensual delights…



Adult shops these days can be classy, tasteful, staffed by friendly well-informed assistants, full of a huge range of products to titillate and pleasure. They’re great.

But you know what? You can find a whole heap of stuff in your own home that you can bring into the bedroom to augment your love play.

Come, let’s look around your house to see what goodies we can find…

In the Kitchen

Let’s start in the kitchen.

You can find some great implements for sensation play here. What can you see that you could run over your partner’s skin? Forks are fabulous. Other pronged implements such as a spaghetti ladle, skewers, (blunt) knives. Experiment with the sharpness, it can be quite delightful (or not, in which case don’t). Or something smooth perhaps? Try the back of spoons of different sizes, ladle or teaspoon. Warm them up in hot water to add the element of heat for some temperature play.*

On the subject of temperature play, you can’t go past ice for thrilling sensation - run it over your partner’s skin, hold it in particularly sensitive spots, make your mouth cold with it then lick, kiss or suck various parts of your partner’s body. (Random tip, run an ice-cube up and down her back when you’re having sex from behind.)

You’ll find all sorts of interesting items if you fancy a bit of impact play - a flyswat, wooden spatula, maybe even a cheese board…

Cornflour makes a great massage medium, particularly on hairy men as oil tends to matt the hair.

Speaking of oil, you can use a lot of cooking oils as massage oil - macadamia or avocado oils are good.

If you want to try out some restraint, there’s no need to buy expensive bondage tape when you can just use ordinary old cheap plastic wrap from the larder. It’s so nice and wide you can bind broader areas of the body than other more regular forms of restraint.*

And then there’s food. There are so many delectable ways to incorporate food and drink into your love play.

• blindfold your partner and give them tastes of various foods and drinks
• slather jams or cream or sauces over select parts of your partner’s body and consume
• decorate your prone partner with delicacies, and take your time eating them
• drizzle liqueur, sauce or honey over your partner’s body and lick it off
• share something long (spaghetti, liquorice stick, cracker sticks) starting at each end and meeting in the middle
• both be blindfolded and try feeding each other (warning - gets messy!)

A few words of warning if you’re going places you haven’t been before:
*Test the temperature of anything you’ve heated up before you apply it to your partner’s skin to make sure it’s not too hot.
*Of course, never cover your face with plastic wrap. Also, have some scissors on hand in case the person being wrapped wants it removed quickly.

In the Study/Den

A quick stop off in your study or den to check out paper. Various thicknesses of paper and card can provide interesting stimulation on the skin - try running the edge of a business card along your partner’s skin for starters.

In the Bathroom

The bathroom is nearly as good as the kitchen. Check out the

• make up brushes
• body brushes
• loofah
• comb
• cotton wool

and imagine how you could play with them…

In the Laundry

Into the laundry where we’ll find those delicious items of pleasurable pain - clothes pegs! Use them on nipples, scrotum - if you’re game…

And while you’re there, you might also find some rope, stretchy rope with hooks on the end (do those things have a name?). Or for less out there pleasuring, imagine what you could do with those paint brushes…

In the Bedroom

Now heading back to your bedroom with all the goodies you’ve found, you might find there are some other ‘multi-purpose’ items in your bedroom:

Wrap a bead or pearl necklace around your hand and stimulate your partner’s penis; use belts, scarves, stockings for restraint or blindfolds.

Elsewhere in the house

And who knows what else you might find. I once found a long pink furry thing in a kid’s bedroom that was wonderful for running over naked flesh! (I have no idea what it was.)

So, step out of the box of ‘sex toy’ and get creative (and save a bit of cash to devote to more expensive sex toys like a quality vibrator!)

Explore, experiment, and enjoy!

Download Audio: Q&A: My Wife Won't Pleasure Herself in Front of Me

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have a great sex life and we tell each other everything - so why won't she masturbate in front of me? I think that it's hot and would bring us closer together, but she says it's embarrassing. I want to do it in front of her as well, but she thinks it's too private. How can she think this when we've lived together for more than 10 years? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just give up or keep trying?"

Answer:Imagine if there was something your wife wanted you to do, but you found the thought of it excruciatingly embarrassing. Let’s say she wanted you to do a striptease for her, yet you’d rather swallow broken glass than prance around in front of her removing your clothes. (If you actually think that’s a hot idea the analogy won’t work for you, but I’m sure you get my drift.) The essence of what I am saying here is that it’s very hard to do something sexual if you find it embarrassing. In fact, it’s hard to engage in anything sexual if you don’t find it a turn on.

You might think I’m contradicting my advice in my last column where I said that kissing is essential, not optional. That’s because it is a necessary part of connecting and growing in desire and arousal. So, my advice to that reader was to find out how they each liked to kiss and find an approach and style that they both liked.

Masturbating in front of your partner is different, it’s just one of many things you can do once you’re already in the mood and sexually engaged. It’s a nice-to-have, not a must-have. It’s a fantasy of yours, but it’s not a fantasy of hers, in fact it’s the opposite, it’s a turn-off.

Does that mean you should give up? Not necessarily. There’s more to explore here, to see if you can entice her into joining in with your fantasy and finding pleasure in it herself. Note that I use the word ’entice’. You need to make your desire inviting. If you are being too direct, too intense, and definitely if you are being too whiny about it, that’s not seductive. Seduction is the art of getting the other person to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure. That means you to have to be inviting, alluring, enticing.

And while we’re talking about words, let’s look at the words you’re using. You say you want her to ‘masturbate in front of you’, yet the word ‘masturbate’ is generally associated with solo activity done alone. As she says, she finds it private. There’s no particular reason why it should be only solo activity, other than thousands of years of social expectation that it should be. Add to those thousands of years a belief that masturbation is somehow wrong and shameful, you can see why a lot of people still have negative associations with it, and why it might feel weird and embarrassing to do it with a partner.

So, let’s reframe it a little. Rather than using the term ‘masturbate’, which, let’s face it, is not a very erotic or sensual word, and use different, more enticing terminology. Letting her know that you find the idea of her touching herself a turn-on, is a softer way of introducing the concept. Can you see the difference between: “I want you to masturbate in front of me, it’s hot” and “The thought of you touching yourself turns me on”? The language and approach of the first is direct and blunt whereas the language and approach of the second is gentle and enticing.

Now let’s take this a little further. Share with her your fantasy, tell it as a story. It’s not something she has to do, it’s just a story of what turns you on. When there’s no pressure to act on your partner’s fantasy, it’s easier to hear, and that opens up space to enjoy the concept of the fantasy, and maybe (although not necessarily) find the pleasure in the act too.

Here’s a different angle: your question implies that she does masturbate on her own, and is comfortable with that, the problem is that she doesn’t want to do it front of you. So let’s explore ways in which she could do it without you seeing her. Imagine if you were blindfolded. That might give her enough psychological safety to give it a go. You wouldn’t be able to see her, but you could hear her, and feel her movements in the bed. That could be very arousing, and get her gradually used to it. Another idea is to encourage her to touch herself during intercourse when you’re in a position where you can’t see what she’s doing, eg from behind, or if the lights are out. As she gets more comfortable with these approaches you can change the situation to make it more overt, at a pace and within the boundaries that she feels good about.

Have a chat with her and see if any of these approaches would work for her, and you never know, your fantasy might gradually come true. And if it doesn’t, well, there are plenty of other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure together.

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we are really happy. Our sex life is fun and experimental, but up until this point monogamous. We’ve shared fantasies about bringing a man (and woman) into bed with us during sex. That’s great, but I think the real thing could be even better. She’s keen but worried about getting jealous. What are some ground rules for a good threesome so that everyone’s happy?

Answer: The thought of a threesome can be very titillating. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught, so you need to be prepared. It’s like any activity that is potentially both thrilling and dangerous – like skydiving for instance – preparation is key to enjoyment.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do its job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting another person into your bedroom.

It can be done though, if it’s done thoughtfully and safely. It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing. Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore opening the relationship! It might sound funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

This kind of play only works well if you approach it as a strong couple, clear on your expectations, understanding why you’re doing it, constantly communicating where you’re at, and being ready to support your partner or ask for support if you need it.

So, firstly, whenever you are expanding your sexual play, including inviting in someone for a threesome, you have to talk about it.

What is your fantasy - is it another man, another woman? Someone you know, someone you don’t know at all? Why do you want to be with more than just your partner? What is it about the encounter that turns you on?

What do you actually want to do? Do you want to watch your partner with someone else, be watched, or all play together? What kind of sexual activities are ok or not ok?

And very importantly, what are your fears and concerns? Undoubtedly, if you're considering having sex with other people, that’s going to include the issue of jealousy.

Jealousy isn’t inevitable, but it does come up, so don’t kid yourselves that it won’t. Make sure the topic is on the table so that you can express your feelings honestly if they come up. If either of you does start to feel jealous, talking about it and having your partner listen will make you feel much better. And from that you can decide as a couple what, if anything, to do about it. That could be limiting the number of times you play with one person, limiting the type of sexual activities you engage in with a third person, being more careful on who you choose to play with, through to agreeing not to have any more threesomes.

Once you’ve found the person who’s going to join you, make sure you have a good talk with them too, so you can be sure that you’re all on the same page. By being clear on the boundaries you make it safe for all of you to really play and have fun.

During the encounter you also need to be there for each other, checking that the other is ok, and signalling that you are too. You need to have ways of showing your partner if you’re not ok. And most importantly, if your partner needs to slow down or stop, that’s perfectly fine, even if you’re really enjoying yourself. Your bond as a couple overrides any immediate pleasure you’re having. You (plural) come first.

Then, after the threesome, have a good debrief - not only does this allow the erotic enjoyment to linger as you talk through all the good bits, you also share any challenging moments, and generally strengthen your bond.

So, get talking, be prepared, and you’ll be all set to make your fantasies come true!

Download Audio: Q&A: We Want to Try a Threesome - How Do We Do It Safely?

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "I want to reinvent my sex life in 2020, really take it by the balls, so to speak. I’m married and in my mid 30s. My husband is a good lover but until recently I’ve been quite conservative in the bedroom, so it’s not like I've asked much of him! We don’t have kids yet and I’d love to get a bit wild with him before that all happens. This new desire started when we discovered a fantastic vibrator that gave me firework orgasms, and now I’m thinking about what else I’m missing out on. How do I flex my newfound interest in sex?"

Answer: Congratulations on starting to wake up to your sexuality! Sex is playtime for adults, and you’ve started playing!

So, how to flex this newfound interest? The first thing is to find out what you both like. Create a congenial environment for sharing, chilling out on the back veranda with a glass of wine, or over a romantic dinner out. Then broach the topic by asking questions like:

• what’s the best thing we’ve ever done?
• what’s something you’d do if you had no inhibitions?
• what do you fantasize about?
• how do you like to be touched?
• how do you like things to be initiated?
• what’s the most erotic scene in a movie you’ve ever seen?
• what’s your greatest turn-on?

If you’re the keener of the couple, don’t appear too eager or too pushy, allow time for your partner to open up. There’s no rush.

You might find you come up with plenty of ideas on your own, but to help you along the way, here are some simple suggestions to get your creative juices flowing.

Positions: there are numerous variations on the five basic positions of man on top, woman on top, from behind, side-by-side, and sitting and standing. Find a ‘sex positions’ web page and try out the possibilities.

Places: Get off the bed and onto the floor, on the windowsill, on couches, tables, washing machine (when it’s on), back veranda, in the shower, in the garden, under the stars.

Props: Check out your local sex shop or hunt around the house for items to spark up your play – the kitchen and bathroom are particularly good places to find ‘toys’.

Clothes: make undressing part of your play, undressing your partner or doing a striptease yourself; or leave some clothes on instead of being naked. You might find particular clothes are arousing, such as lingerie, leather, corsets, or ridiculously high-heeled shoes that you leave on…

Sensory arousal and deprivation: heighten your senses by blindfolding your partner (or both of you!) and feeding them delicious morsels of food; or touching them with different items both softer and harsher; or putting on headphones while delighting other senses. Have scented candles or incense, scented oils and lotions. Play sensual music in the background. Drip honey, liqueur, chocolate topping over your lover’s body and lick it off. Smear strawberry jam all over them with your body. If you feel wicked, explore the boundary of pleasure and pain with nails, clothes pegs, forks…

Role plays: Classic role plays can be arousing (even if not very PC!): teacher-student, master-slave, employer-servant, doctor-patient, warrior-captive, etc. You might role play a particular period of history or culture (the Queen of Sheba with her sex slave perhaps?) or be animals having a rough and tumble. You can take your role play out into the world: ‘strangers’ meeting in a bar, meeting your ‘escort’ or ‘gigolo’ in a hotel room.

Erotic talk and stories: You can describe an erotic scenario during your sexual play. Reading aloud erotic stories can be a big turn-on and help get you in the mood and feel creative. Speaking seductively can help your partner lose themselves, and the more aroused you are, the dirtier your talk might get.

Cameras: Take photos or videos of yourself as part of your sexual play. You can keep them for later if you like to watch, or delete them straight away if the turn on is the taking and not the watching. Combine with role plays for added effect.

Some of these ideas will turn you on and some will turn you off and some might be a tentative maybe... Whatever your reaction, hopefully they’ve sparked your creativity and are setting you up for a great, sexy 2020!

Download Audio: Q&A: Fun in the Sun - How to Have Safe Holiday Sex

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:"I’m single for the first time in 10 years. I’m over the heartbreak, and now I’m ready to have some fun – specifically, some fun on holiday. I’m going with some other single friends to a resort in Bali this summer. But I’m also prone to UTIs in summer, and I’m desperate to make sure that doesn’t happen on holiday and ruin my good time. What can I do to protect myself? And what are the other golden rules for healthy holiday sex?"

Answer: Singles fun in the sun in Bali sounds like a good way to move forward now you’re over the heartbreak. It’s good that you’ve waited, as too many people try to mend a broken heart by distracting themselves with new people, but you don’t necessarily make good choices in that state. It’s much better to take the time to get over the grief, anger and other negative emotions you inevitably go through at the end of a relationship. Rebound encounters, whether relationships or flings, are rarely based on clear emotions and made with clean choices.

So, now that you’re in a good place – it’s time to meet people and have fun! Before I focus on the UTI issue, I first want to make some comments on how to have the kind of fun you’re looking it for. It has to be consensual and it has to be safe.

Safe might not sound very sexy, but it’s essential. Like any other fun on your holiday, you want to be prepared and you want it to be safe. You wouldn’t go scuba diving or kite surfing on your holiday if you weren’t sure you were going to be safe. It’s the same with sexual fun.

So, the first rule of good holiday sex is: don’t get too drunk! A little alcohol can loosen inhibitions and ease awkwardness to help you get started, but too much means you lose judgement leading to poor choices that you’re are likely to regret, and could even be mentally and physically harmful.

For you personally, another reason to limit the alcohol is that it makes you more prone to UTIs. You also need to stay hydrated and drink plenty of water, which you can forget to do when you’re drinking, increasing the risk of succumbing to an UTI.

The second golden rule is that if you’re going to have sex with a holiday lover, use a condom. Without one you’re putting yourself at risk of catching sexually transmitted diseases. You might know that intellectually, but in the moment, people can get so carried away that the condom gets overlooked. So, make sure you’re carrying condoms with you. Don’t assume that because it goes on a penis that it’s the man’s responsibility to carry condoms. You’re both having sex, so you’re both responsible for all aspects of the encounter.

Some people feel applying a condom is awkward, so make the application playful. I am a big advocate of learning to put a condom on with your mouth (it’s actually very easy) as it’s a lot more likely to go on if it’s applied that way!

Carry a small tube of lube with you too. Dab a little on the tip of the condom once it’s on the penis and use your hands to playfully and sensually spread it over the head (he’ll enjoy that) to make for a smooth entry.

Those are the two most important things to keep in mind for sexy adventures on your holiday: minimise alcohol and use condoms. Some more advice for you particularly around preventing UTIs while you are away are:

- Make sure you’re clean, not just to avoid bacteria that might be hanging around your anal area and that can get transferred to your vagina during sexual activity, but also to remove chemicals that could be irritating. When you’re on holidays you might have sunscreen or insect repellent on your skin, so make sure that’s washed off.

- Avoid g-string type underpants and bikini bottoms as they can irritate your vulva more so than knickers and bikinis with a wider crotch and bottom.

- Make sure you pee before and after sex.

- And as romantic as it looks in the movies, sex on the beach is never good – the sand gets into all the wrong places!

Bon voyage!

Download Audio: Expanding Your Sexual Play Part 2: How